Calais Getaway: Unbeatable Holiday Inn Coquelles Deal!
Okay, buckle up buttercups, because we're about to unravel the glorious mess that is a review of . Forget the sterile hotel brochures, we're diving deep into the nitty-gritty, the stuff they don't tell you.
First, a disclaimer: I am a travel writer with a penchant for chaos and a massive sweet tooth. My perspective is, shall we say, unique. And I'm reviewing this hotel based on what they claim to offer. Reality, as we all know, is a different beast altogether.
Accessibility: The Good, The Okay, & The Pray-It-Works
Okay, let's start with the elephant in the room: accessibility. They say they have facilities for disabled guests, and an elevator. That's a huge plus. But… do they have ramps that aren't death traps? Is the elevator actually wide enough for a wheelchair and a slightly panicky travel writer? I pray they've thought of this. The website's vague on specifics, which is, you know… a bit concerning. I give them tentative points here, pending an actual visit. I'll update the review when I have a chance.
On-Site Restaurants & Lounges: Food Glorious Food (and the Potential for Disappointment)
- Restaurants: A la carte, buffet, Asian, International, Vegetarian, Western. Okay, sounds promising. Diversity is key.
- Lounges: Bar, Coffee Shop, Poolside bar, Snack bar. Again, good! Variety! But here's where the internal monologue kicks in: Will the "Asian cuisine" actually taste authentic, or will it be a sad, watered-down version of something I really crave? And the poolside bar… will it serve those ridiculously overpriced, watered-down cocktails that hotels are notorious for? I am seriously judging them.
- The Buffet: Ah, the buffet. A gamble. The potential for glorious excess and bottomless mimosas! Or, the tragedy of lukewarm scrambled eggs and overcooked bacon. I'll cross my fingers and pack my stretchy pants.
- Room Service (24-hour): Bless you, hotel gods. A midnight craving for fries and a desperate need for a pep talk is always eased with 24h room service.
- Desserts in Restaurant: Oh yes, do they have chocolate cake with melting ice cream? Good, now we can get to the actual review!
Internet: The Lifeblood of the Modern Traveler
- Free Wi-Fi in all rooms: Hallelujah! This is non-negotiable. If I can't Instagram my perfectly arranged breakfast, did it even happen?
- Wi-Fi in public areas: Essential for lurking in the lobby, judging other guests, and subtly eavesdropping on their conversations.
- Internet [LAN], Internet Service: Good to have backup options, in case the Wi-Fi decides to stage a rebellion.
Things to Do, Ways to Relax: Spa Day Dreams and Fitness Center Nightmares
- Spa/Sauna/Steamroom: YES! This is where I shine. I need a good steam to sweat out the travel stress and the guilt from the buffet. Then, a massage. A LONG massage. Body scrub? Body wrap? Sign me up! My only fear? Hotel spas that smell of lemon cleaner and aggressively serene piped-in music.
- Swimming pool [outdoor]: Okay, so I can float around and pretend I'm a glamorous movie star. The pool with a view part is crucial. Must. Have. A. View.
- Fitness center/Gym/Fitness: Ugh. I should go. I might go. But let's be honest, I'm probably going to just admire it from my balcony with a cocktail.
Cleanliness and Safety: Is It Actually Safe In These Times?
- Anti-viral cleaning products, Daily disinfection in common areas, Individually-wrapped food options, Physical distancing of at least 1 meter, Professional-grade sanitizing services, Room sanitization opt-out available, Rooms sanitized between stays, Safe dining setup, Sanitized kitchen and tableware items, Staff trained in safety protocol: Okay, they seem to be taking this seriously. Which is fantastic. Because while I'm all about a good time, I'd also like to avoid contracting anything exotic.
- Hand sanitizer: Everywhere, hopefully, at the hotel, in the room, everywhere…
Dining, Drinking, and Snacking: A Culinary Descent
- Breakfast: What to expect? Buffet, Asian and Western options. Note to self: don't load up on the carbs.
- Other Food Stuff: Okay, a la carte, is good, a bar, coffee shop, poolside, snack bar, and a dessert place: good, good, good.
Services and Conveniences: The Fine Print
- Cashless payment service: Good! (If you like that sort of thing). Now where are the card machines?
- Concierge: Useful, hopefully, with good recommendations.
- Daily housekeeping: I actually like this. Someone to tidy up my mess is always welcome.
- Elevator: Thank goodness! (See Accessibility - I am definitely paying attention)
- Meeting/banquet facilities, Meetings, Seminars: Fine for business and events.
- Souvenir shop: Because I always need something to remind me of the place.
- Luggage storage: Essential, especially after a late check-out.
- Dry cleaning, Ironing service, Laundry service: Nice to have. I’m not ironing, but, eh, you never know.
- Babysitting service: If you’re on a romantic getaway or going on a business trip.
- Food delivery: Cool.
- Air conditioning in public area: Essential, really.
For the Kids: Keeping Them (and Their Parents) Happy
- Family/child friendly/Kids facilities/Kids meal/Babysitting service: Okay, good stuff. I am, if I decide to have kids, which is unlikely at the moment, but it’s nice to know it’s there.
Available in All Rooms: The Bare Necessities (and Some Nice-to-Haves)
- Air conditioning, Wi-Fi [free], Desk, Coffee/tea maker, Mini bar, Refrigerator, Safe, TV: Okay, nice, good. The necessities are all here.
- Blackout curtains: Yes! I need to sleep in.
- Bathtub, Shower: Separate shower and bathtub! (I'm a sucker for a good soak).
- Bathrobes and Slippers: Comfy!
Getting Around: Transportation Essentials
- Airport transfer: Essential for a stress-free arrival.
- Car park [free of charge], Car park [on-site], Car power charging station: Very nice if you're driving, but in honesty, I prefer other people to do the driving.
- Taxi service, Valet parking: I may use them both, depending on my mood.
My Overall Impression (So Far)
looks promising! They ticked off a lot of boxes. The accessibility is the only thing that has me concerned. The amenities seem great, especially for the spa and dining. But let's be honest, the real test is the vibe. Is it relaxing? Is it fun? Is it somewhere I can truly unwind and, you know, shamelessly embrace my inner hedonist? Only time (and a good cocktail) will tell.
Here's My Persuasive Offer (Come On, Book It! ):
Tired of the Same Old Hotel Routine? Craving a Getaway That Actually Feels Like a Getaway? Then you need to book at !
Imagine this: You wake up in a spacious, air-conditioned room (essential!), and after a long night sleep, slip into a fluffy bathrobe (heaven!). You have a choice of breakfast, you can easily go to the spa, and do things like relaxing, or you can be pampered. You can work hard and play hard and you get to wind down in the end.
But Beware! This is not your average cookie-cutter hotel. This is a place to truly unwind and relax!
Don't wait! Book your getaway at and prepare for an experience. I'm almost tempted to book myself!
(P.S. I'll update this review after my visit with the juicy details. Stay tuned… and wish me luck with that buffet!)
Escape to Paradise: Owl's Nest Suites Awaits in Gardenville, ON!
Alright, buckle up buttercups, because we're about to dive headfirst into a chaotic, wonderfully imperfect trip to the Holiday Inn Calais Coquelles. Forget the crisp, clinical itinerary you’d find in a travel brochure. This is real life, people. This is me, and probably you, making a glorious mess of things.
Trip Title: Calais, C'est Ça! (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Ferries)
Dates: [Insert Your Actual Dates Here - Mine are a figment of my imagination. Let's say, for argument's sake, Oct 26th - Oct 28th, 2024.]
Hotel: Holiday Inn Calais Coquelles, By IHG (Because I'm not exactly rolling in dough, and hey, a warm shower and a decent breakfast are all I REALLY need, right?)
Day 1: Ferry Fiasco and the Art of Mild Panic
Morning (aka, "The Great Train Heist That Didn't Happen"):
- 7:00 AM (ish): Woke up feeling vaguely optimistic. Packed the car. Remembered I needed to print out the bloody ferry tickets. Cue mild internal screaming. "Why didn't I do this last night?!" Because, dear reader, I am a master procrastinator.
- 8:00 AM - 9:00 AM: Scramble to find a printer. Turns out my ancient one is having a hissy fit. After a frantic sprint to the local library (and judging everyone who dared to give me the stink eye for being late), success! Printed. Barely. The ink is smudged, but hey, at least they're there.
- 9:30 AM: Road trip! The drive to the ferry terminal in Dover was supposed to be straightforward. Emphasis on supposed. Traffic held us up. I was pretty sure we were going to be late for our ferry. My anxiety started creeping in. I started envisioning myself sobbing on the side of the road.
- 11:00 AM: Finally, the terminal. The sheer size of the bloody thing. And the crowds! Managed to (miraculously) get through security without setting off any alarms. Phew! Ferry boarding was surprisingly efficient, all things considered.
- 11:30 AM (ish) - 1:00 PM (ish): On the ferry! Found a window seat, grabbed a coffee that tasted suspiciously like… well, ferry coffee. Tried to relax. Failed. Spent the entire crossing alternating between nervously checking my watch and staring out at the seagulls. I’m convinced those birds are judging me. They know my secrets.
- 1:00 PM (French Time): Landed in Calais! Joy! Relief! The air smells of… something. Seaweed? Diesel? Hard to say. But it smells foreign.
- 1:30 PM: Found the car (thank god). Followed the sat nav (which, of course, kept telling me to go the wrong way) to the Holiday Inn.
Afternoon (aka, "Check-In Shenanigans and a Quest for Caffeine"):
- 2:30 PM: Checked into the Holiday Inn. Nice enough. Nothing fancy, but clean and the staff were friendly, which is always a win. My room had a view of… the car park. Sigh. Still, a roof over my head.
- 3:00 PM: The room, after a cursory inspection, felt… empty. I was missing my things. Feeling a bit disoriented, I remembered I needed more coffee (of course).
- 3:30 PM: Walked to Le Café (aka, a generic cafe, but let's pretend), stumbling around in an almost comical daze. The French is coming back slowly. "Bonjour… uh… café… s'il vous plaît?" The waiter looked at me like I'd just sprouted a second head, but he understood. Caffeine secured!
- 4:00 PM - 6:00 PM: Wandered around Calais. Saw a few things, but mostly felt… overwhelmed. It’s the little things. The language. The different streets. The slightly faded beauty of the buildings. It was beautiful, but it also felt… a bit… desolate.
- 6:00 PM: Feeling the hunger. Found a "charming" restaurant (read: one that wasn't completely deserted) and ordered… well, I think it was steak-frites. The frites were good though. Ate dinner, then had a nice, long walk.
- 7:30-8:30 PM: Back to the hotel, and to bed. It was a long day.
Day 2: Delving into the Calais Region!
Morning (aka, "The Breakfast Barrage and the Calais Beach"):
- 8:00 AM: Breakfast at the hotel. The buffet… was a buffet. Decent enough. The coffee was, surprisingly, drinkable.
- 9:00 AM: Drove to Calais Beach. It was a clear, crisp morning. The coast stretches for miles, wind in my hair and sun on my face.
- 10:00 AM: Took a walk near the beach. I enjoyed the view. This is what I came here for: the fresh air.
- 11:00 AM: Spent a couple of hours just wandering, watching the waves, and generally feeling… peaceful. For the first time in a while. It was amazing.
Afternoon (aka, "History, Hope, and Haphazard Navigation"):
- 1:00 PM: Lunch. Some local takeaway, not great but I was tired.
- 2:00 PM: I went to the memorial to the refugees. It was pretty incredible. I spent about an hour there and felt quite emotional. If you feel more emotionally connected to something, then you feel like you are more there in the moment.
- 3:00 PM: Got lost on the way to the next destination. Blamed the sat nav. Blamed myself. More mild panic. Found my way eventually.
- 4:00 PM: Visited the Burghers of Calais statue. Massive. Impressive. A bit intimidating, to be honest. Stood there for a while, trying to absorb the history. Felt the weight of all that time. Felt a little bit like I was there too, now.
- 5:00 PM: Tried to find a decent shop for souvenirs, but didn't have any luck. All the shops… looked closed.
- 6:00 PM: Finally, managed to navigate my way back to the hotel.
Evening (aka, "Pizza, Prose and the Pre-Departure Blues"):
- 7:00 PM: Pizza for dinner! (Because I am nothing if not predictable). Actually, it was pretty good.
- 8:00 PM: Back to the room with a book and a journal. Trying to capture the experience. Trying to make sense of it all. Already feeling a little sad that the trip is ending.
- 9:00 PM: Packed. Dreaded packing.
- 10:00 PM: Early night. Need my beauty sleep (and a good dose of denial).
Day 3: Ferry Farewell and the Long Road Home (With a Pit Stop for Pain Au Chocolat, Obviously)
Morning (aka, "The Great Escape"):
- 7:00 AM: Woke up before the alarm. That’s generally a sign you’re actually excited to leave! (Or maybe just tired, and the thought of the journey is less daunting than the idea of staying).
- 7:30 AM: Checked out of the hotel. Another quick, painless check-out.
- 8:00 AM: Last breakfast at the buffet. One last glorious assault on the pastries.
- 9:00 AM: Drove to Calais. The drive wasn’t so bad, even though I had to go through the same road.
- 10:00 AM: Sat on the ferry, in the same seat as on the way there. Another coffee, same tired coffee taste. At least I know what I'm getting. The seagulls are back. More judging.
- 11:30 AM: Back in Dover!
- 1 PM: At the first stop, I just ordered a Pain au Chocolat.
Afternoon (aka, "Regret and Reflection"):
- 1 PM: Back on the road. The drive was long. The traffic. The thoughts. The feeling of missing something.
- 2 PM onwards: The drive was long. The radio. The motorway. The road home.
Miscellaneous Ramblings & Imperfections:
- Language Barrier: My French is terrible. Truly, laughably terrible. But the French, bless their hearts, were mostly patient. Used a lot of pointing and smiling. And Google Translate, of
So, like, what IS this thing anyway?
Ugh, "this thing?" Alright, alright. Well, technically, *this* is supposed to be an FAQ. You know, Frequently Asked Questions. But, and this is a big BUT, I’m aiming for something less... robotic. Think less boring bullet points, more... a rambling conversation with your slightly unhinged Aunt Mildred after she's had a glass of wine. Basically, a digital mess of information and opinions. (Don't judge. We all have opinions.)
Aren't FAQs supposed to be concise and… well, helpful? My brain hurts already!
Concise? Helpful? Look, I try. But sometimes, the words, they... *escape*. Like rogue puppies. They run off and chew up important details, and you're left chasing them around in circles. So, yes, ideally, a bit more helpful. But consider this a crash course in accepting imperfections. Embrace the word vomit! If you're after a clinical, step-by-step guide, you're in the wrong place. I'm more of a "wing it and see what happens" kinda gal. That attitude, and a decent amount of coffee, pretty much sums it up.
Why all this HTML stuff? It’s making my eyes cross!
Oh, the HTML... I *think* it's supposed to make things... organized? Like, put the pretty little bows and ribbons on it, so search engines go, "Ooh, shiny!" and then send people like you my way. Look, the "technical details" are not my strong point. I like words! I like *talking*! I don't like code... But, hey, even I have to play by the rules sometimes. Consider it the price of admission to this glorious, disorganized spectacle.
Are there any real, actual, useful tips in here?
*Useful*? Define "useful." If you're hoping to become a master of [insert whatever this is about here], then, probably not. But! If you're looking for a chuckle, a moment of "Oh, yeah, I get that," or maybe, *just maybe*, a spark of inspiration... well, then YES! I've lived a life, seen some things. I've made mistakes you wouldn't BELIEVE. Those mistakes, my friends, are the real gold. They're the nuggets of wisdom buried beneath layers of questionable decisions and questionable hair choices!
(And yes, that self deprecating humor is a coping mechanism.)
Okay, fine. What's the deal with [the topic you're supposedly talking about]?
Alright, alright... the *deal* with [topic]. Let's just say, it’s complicated. Think of it like a really messy plate of spaghetti. Lots of strands, some sticking together, some covered in sauce you can't quite identify. It might look chaotic, but somehow, it works... or at least, it *can* if you're willing to get a little messy yourself.
Now, the first time I tried [topic], it was a disaster. Like, epic. I thought I had it all figured out. I read a ton of articles (sound familiar?), took a few notes (which I promptly lost), and then I ... I... well, let's just say the results involved a lot of tears, a broken [object], and a very loud argument with my pet hamster, Reginald. Reginald is a good listener, though. And a terrible judge of character.
But you know what? I learned more from THAT mess than from all the pristine, perfectly curated tutorials in the world. Because real life (and [topic]) isn’t perfect. It's messy, it's unpredictable, and sometimes, it makes you want to scream. And that's okay! It's *how* you react that matters. So, embrace the mess. Embrace the spaghetti sauce. And for the love of all that is holy, don't let your hamster judge you.
What are the common pitfalls people make?
Oh, the pitfalls. Where do I even *begin*? Okay, okay, let's see...
First, the "thinking it's easy" trap. Big mistake. Huge. [Topic] is not for the faint of heart. It takes effort, it takes patience, and it definitely takes a healthy dose of self-deprecation (trust me).
Second, the "copy and paste" phenomenon. Oh god, the copy and paste. Don't just blindly follow instructions! Understand *why* things work. Otherwise, you'll just get stuck when something goes wrong. And something *will* go wrong. Guarantee it.
Third, not asking for help. I get it. Pride is a killer. No one wants to admit they're clueless. But trust me, ask for help! Find a mentor, join a community, even just google your questions. There are so many resources out there. Use them! Otherwise, you'll end up crying in front of your hamster (again).
Fourth, failing to [mention a key concept related to the topic]. Seriously, I learned this the hard way.
What are some *real* unexpected challenges?
Oh, the *unexpected* challenges. Here's where things get fun! Or terrifying, depending on your perspective.
Let me tell you the tale of the Great [specific problem]. Picture this: I was knee deep in [the process], feeling pretty smug, thinking I had it all under control. Then, BAM! [unexpected challenge]. I stared at the [confusing item] like it had personally insulted my mother. I didn't know what to do. I googled, I frantically called friends, I even offered Reginald a very expensive treat in exchange for advice. (He just stared at me. Hamsters, amirite?)
Ultimately, I had to [the solution], which was something I would never, EVER have thought of on my own. I learned so much! And now, I'm here, armed with the knowledge of [the solution] to stop you from having to go through this. You're welcome.
WhatWander Stay Spot
