Unbelievable Views & Luxury: Johannesburg's Hidden Gem (Protea Ridge)
Unbelievable Views & Luxury: Protea Ridge - My Honest, Slightly Messy, But Ultimately Enthusiastic Review
Okay, so you're thinking about Protea Ridge in Johannesburg? You've stumbled upon it, maybe seen those ridiculously perfect Insta-worthy pics, and now you're wondering if it’s actually worth it. Well, buckle up, buttercups, because I'm about to give you the raw, unfiltered truth. And trust me, I went in with a SERIOUS case of side-eye, ready to pick apart anything that smacked of manufactured perfection. But… well, let's just say I'm eating a little crow here.
First Impressions & Getting There (Accessibility…ish?)
Let's be honest: Johannesburg isn’t exactly known for its effortless navigation. Getting to Protea Ridge is a bit of a drive. (And I swear, Google Maps thought it was a personal game to see how many roundabouts it could throw at me.) I'd recommend using airport transfer service (even though I didn’t! Rookie mistake). But the views… are something. Breathtaking, even. And that, folks, is the first hint of how this place works: The location makes the little annoyances largely disappear.
Wheelchair Accessibility: This is a big one for me, and frankly, a bit hard to gauge completely. The website says they have facilities for disabled guests, but I didn't personally test out the ramp situation, the elevators, etc. My gut feeling is that you'd want to call ahead and confirm specific needs. This section definitely needs improvement, a missed opportunity.
Cleanliness & Safety (The Things That Really MATTER)
Okay, this is where Protea Ridge really shines. And trust me, in these times with all of the health precautions, it's important. They are SERIOUS about cleanliness. Seriously. I’m talking about daily disinfection in common areas, hand sanitizer EVERYWHERE, and rooms that are thoroughly sanitized between stays. Anti-viral cleaning products? Check. Professional-grade sanitizing services? Double-check. I actually felt safe, which is saying a lot. They even have individually wrapped food options, and the staff were absolutely on top of wearing masks and following distancing protocols. I even noticed the staff thoroughly disinfecting cutlery -- and that makes the picky eater in me happy!
The Rooms: Luxury, Baby, Luxury (And Maybe a Few Annoyances)
The rooms? Yeah, they live up to the "luxury" part of the name. Seriously. Mine had a huge window that opens (bonus points!), with blackout curtains (needed!), and an extra-long bed (much appreciated after those airport delays). There's a coffee machine, free bottled water, and all the little touches you expect: bathrobes, slippers, fluffy towels. The bathroom… well, the separate shower and bathtub was heavenly. But the layout of the room? A bit… odd. The sofa was awkwardly placed. The Wi-Fi was thankfully FREE! in the room and there was access to internet LAN. So, some minor imperfections but nothing deal-breaking.
Dining, Drinking & Snacking: The Joy of Choice (And Maybe a Little Overkill)
Alright, so you're hungry. You have OPTIONS. They seriously do not understate their availability in this area -- from the 24-hour room service, to a restaurant, to a coffee shop, and even a poolside bar. Breakfast? Buffet! It's pretty standard international fare: good quality, plenty of options. There is a vegetarian restaurant, and they absolutely have Asian cuisine in the restaurant (which I did not personally try). There even a happy hour! And the bottle of water wasn’t just a tiny bottle that barely satiates thirst.
Food Delivery: You know what? I didn't even attempt this, but it's a nice option for those who like the comfort of their room but don't want to go to the restaurant.
Things to Do & Ways to Relax (Hello, Spa!)
THIS is where Protea Ridge really sold me. Forget the generic hotel gym. The gym/fitness in the hotel is outstanding. There’s a spa. A legit one. And I didn't even go into the other spa options like the steamroom. Just to be clear, I wanted the spa. I need a spa. I got a massage. And OH. EM. GEE. It was probably one of the best massages of my LIFE. The masseuse was phenomenal, the atmosphere was pure bliss, and I walked out feeling like a whole new person. Pure, unadulterated relaxation. There’s a sauna, a pool with a view, and all the things.
The Pool: The pool is an outdoor beauty, with a view. I didn't spend hours there, but I definitely sat by the pool and relaxed without being rushed.
The Quirks (Because No Place is Perfect)
- The Elevator: It was slow, which can be a minor inconvenience.
- Room Service Speed: A tiny bit slow sometimes, depending on what you order.
- The Views…Really, Really Good Views: Okay, this isn't a complaint, precisely, but I spent a LOT of time just staring out the window and it made me late for everything!
Services & Conveniences (The Little Things That Matter)
They’ve got all the usual suspects: concierge, laundry services, daily housekeeping, and a doorman. But a few things stood out.
- Air Conditioning: This is a necessity in Johannesburg, and it worked perfectly.
- Cashless Payment: Super convenient.
- Meeting/Banquet facilities: I didn't come for a meeting, but the space looked impressive.
For the Kids?
Family/child friendly? Yes. Babysitting service? Yes – although again, I did not personally use it, so I can't vouch for the quality.
The Verdict: Buy or Bye?
Look, I went in skeptical, and I'm coming out… a convert. Protea Ridge isn't perfect, but the flaws are minor, the location is incredible, and the overall experience is luxurious, relaxing, and rejuvenating. If you're looking for a truly memorable stay in Johannesburg, one that combines incredible views with creature comforts, you can do a whole lot worse than Protea Ridge.
My Quirked-Up Recommendation - For a Short Stay
This is my hot take for the folks who have a tight schedule…
"Listen, you're busy. You've got meetings, you've got sightseeing, you've got limited time. But you still want a luxurious, amazing time. I'd personally make a getaway here, right? And don't skimp. Book the room with the best view (trust me, it's worth it). Carve out serious spa time – seriously, don't even think about skipping the massage. And be sure to find a chance to relax, take in the view, and breathe. You might not make it to every "thing to do" in Johannesburg, but you'll leave refreshed, relaxed, and ready to go back to real life, with the memories of a truly great stay."
My Special Offer for YOU (Because You Deserve It!) - "The Protea Ridge Escape Package"
(This assumes I am selling the hotel, right?)
Here's the deal: Book a stay of 2 or more nights in the next month and receive…
- A complimentary upgrade to a room with the BEST view available (subject to availability).
- A voucher for a 60-minute massage at the spa and the foot bath.
- Complimentary breakfast for two each day.
- A bottle of South African wine to enjoy while you soak up those amazing views!
- Use the code "VIEWSANDBLISS" when booking!
Why book now? Because you deserve a break! Because you deserve to feel pampered! And because Protea Ridge is waiting to offer you the escape you crave. Don't delay! Book your getaway today!
Escape to Paradise: Flaubert 17's Luxury Awaits in Porto-Vecchio
Alright, buckle up, buttercups, because we're about to dive headfirst into my absolutely bonkers trip to Protea Ridge Guest Cottages and Conference Centre in, oh you KNOW, Johannesburg, South Africa. Forget those sterile, perfectly-crafted itineraries. This is the unfiltered, slightly-wine-fueled truth.
Day 1: Arrival and the Great Lodge Shuffle
- 10:00 AM (ish): Landed in Jozi. Already sweating buckets and regretting the heavy sweater I, the genius, packed. The airport was a whirlwind of bustling humanity – and the vague scent of something I couldn't quite place (probably adventure, right?). Grabbed a dodgy taxi. Cue the existential dread of "Am I in a real taxi? Will I disappear?" It's all quite dramatic, really.
- 11:30 AM: Protea Ridge! Finally. Driving up, I was like, "Ooh, this looks quaint!" But… it's South Africa, land of "quaint" that can morph into "surprisingly un-quaint" at any moment. Initial impressions: Lush greenery, vaguely colonial architecture, and a ridiculously friendly receptionist with a smile that could melt glaciers. She’s got a twinkle in her eye, definitely plotting something.
- 12:00 PM: Room roulette! The first room, "The Zebra Suite" or whatever, was, let's say, cozy. Translation: cramped. And the AC was roaring like a wounded lion. "Nope," I muttered. "Not happening." The second room? A triumph! Big windows, a little balcony (okay, a tiny balcony), and a surprisingly firm bed. Success! (For now.)
- 1:00 PM: Lunch. Oh, the horror. I'm not gonna lie: the buffet situation was… underwhelming. Dry chicken, lukewarm veggies… but the friendly waiter, bless his heart, kept refilling my water glass and offering encouraging smiles. That's worth more than prime rib sometimes.
- 2:00 PM - 4:00 PM: Settling in, unpacking, and battling jet lag. Let's be real: I napped. HARD. Woke up feeling vaguely disoriented and slightly guilty about the sheer amount of time I'd wasted in glorious slumber.
- 4:00 PM - 6:00 PM: Wandering around the grounds. The gardens ARE actually quite lovely. Found a little bench overlooking a pond. Sat there, staring at the water, trying to process that I was, in fact, in Africa. A massive surge of gratitude, tinged with a healthy dose of "Wow, this is actually happening."
- 7:00 PM: Dinner. The restaurant was suddenly buzzing with life. The dinner food…it was an improvement. The company was even better. I met a couple from Switzerland who immediately launched into an impassioned discussion of cheese. Apparently, this is key to a Swiss vacation.
Day 2: Conference Chaos and a Hilarious Cocktail of Mishaps
- 8:00 AM: Breakfast. Back to the buffet! This time, I bravely attempted the "mystery sausage." Verdict: edible. Barely.
- 9:00 AM - 12:00 PM: Conference sessions. Okay, the conference stuff was…well, it was conference stuff. Some interesting talks, some mind-numbingly boring powerpoints. (Why are people always reading the slides??)
- 12:00 PM - 1:00 PM: Lunch. Avoided the sausage. Went for the salad. Feeling virtuous, actually.
- 1:00 PM - 4:00 PM: More conference. Felt a sudden and intense urge to flee. Considered faking a medical emergency. Decided against it.
- 4:00 PM - 5:00 PM: Free time! Finally! Wandered around the little shops that were around the area.
- 5:00 PM - 6:00 PM: Cocktail hour. Oh, YES. The bar guy was a character. He made me this concoction that he called "The Johannesburg Sunrise," which tasted suspiciously like cough syrup but somehow was fantastic.
- 7:00 PM: Dinner. The Swiss couple was back! Apparently, they'd found a cheese shop. They were positively giddy. I secretly coveted their supply.
- 8:00 PM: My room's air conditioning broke. Cue the "Oh, for crying out loud!" moment. It was boiling. I called the front desk. The response time was… impressive. Less impressive was the guy who came to fix it. He looked like he was 16 years old. Did he fix it? Nope. He fiddled, he sighed, he eventually declared it "beyond repair until morning." Fine. I moved to the balcony, where the night air was a relative cool bliss.
Day 3: The Deep Dive and a Bit of Sadness
- 8:00 AM: Breakfast. Still traumatized from the previous day's sausage adventure, I started with fruit. The fruit was, thankfully, excellent.
- 9:00 AM - 12:00 PM: More conference. Feeling a bit drained by the conference. The talks had become the same old, same old. I decided to use the coffee break as a chance to leave and explore.
- 12:00 PM - 1:00 PM: Decided to visit the apartheid museum. This was a really heavy experience. The museum had a lot of information about something that most Americans don't really think about. It was intense. I cried. It was a truly valuable, but heavy, experience.
- 1:00 PM - 2:00 PM: Lunch. I scarfed down a burger. It was a comfort food.
- 2:00 PM - 5:00 PM: Back to Protea Ridge. Spent some time by the pool. The pool was great. People were chatty. The sun, bless it, was doing its thing.
- 6:00 PM: Dinner. Tonight it was a special evening with a cultural song and dance. It was fun.
- 7:00 PM: The next morning, I was leaving. I had to go back to my mundane.
- 8:00 PM: Packing. So sad. Everything I knew.
Day 4: Departure and Reflections (and a Slight Hangover)
- 8:00 AM: Breakfast. Ate some scrambled eggs. I really should have had more coffee.
- 9:00 AM: Checkout. Saying goodbye to the staff was unexpectedly emotional. They'd put up with my endless questions, the air conditioning debacle, the fact that I kept getting lost… they were lovely.
- 10:00 AM: Taxi to the airport. The guy was telling me on the way back to Johannesburg, the country was really starting to change. More and more people start to care. That's the dream.
Final Thoughts:
Protea Ridge? Flawed but charming. The food? Hit or miss, but the friendly service made up for it. The conference? A rollercoaster of boredom and occasional brilliance. Johannesburg? A city that punches you in the gut with its history and leaves you breathless with its beauty. And me? Slightly sunburnt, emotionally exhausted, and already starting to miss the chaos.
Would I go back? Absolutely. Even knowing the sausage situation. Because sometimes, the imperfections, the hiccups, the pure, unadulterated messiness of travel are what make it truly unforgettable. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need a stiff drink and a long nap. This journey… it was a long one.
Luxury Vietnam Cruise: Unforgettable Verdure Lotus Halong Bay Experience
1. So, like, traveling with a chihuahua? Sounds... interesting. What are you, some kind of glutton for punishment?
Okay, fair point. "Interesting" is one word for it. My ex-boyfriend, bless his heart (and the fact he's *my* ex), used to say, "Living with you is like living in a constant state of controlled chaos." And, honestly? He wasn't wrong. And taking Princess Fluffernutter anywhere? That's taking that chaos to eleven.
Honestly, I got Princess Fluffernutter because I was lonely. I thought, "A small, fluffy dog? Sure, why not?" I envisioned quiet evenings, snuggles, maybe even a chic little travel bag. What I got was a tiny, four-legged hurricane with the vocal cords of a Broadway diva. And yes, I am a glutton for punishment. Apparently.
2. What's the *worst* thing about traveling with a chatty chihuahua? Give it to me straight.
Oh, sweet heavens, where do I begin? Okay, the worst? Definitely the **constant.** And I mean *constant*, *relentless* barking. Seriously. You try to enjoy a peaceful moment, soak up the view, or even just *think*... and then *BAM!* The Princess erupts into a symphony of tiny, high-pitched yips. It's a language only she understands, clearly about how the sky is the wrong shade of blue or the waiter's socks are offensive.
There was this *one* time... Okay, picture this: Rome. We're at the Trevi Fountain. Romantic, right? Wrong. I'm trying to make a wish, taking it all in, and then *BAM!* Princess Fluffernutter decides a nearby pigeon has personally insulted her ancestors. And the *look* I got from the Italian couple next to me... pure judgment. Pure "get your dog under control, lady" judgment. I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. Honestly? I still get a little twitchy thinking about it.
3. What's the BEST thing, though? Come on, there has to be *something* good about this, right? Please tell me there's a silver lining.
Okay, okay, put away the pitchforks. Yes, SOME good things. And you know what? They outweigh the barking *most* of the time. First, it's companionship. It's like having a perpetually excited, slightly judgey best friend. Okay, maybe not *best*, but definitely... present.
And honestly? She gets me out of my shell. I'm not the type to just strike up conversations with strangers, y'know? But with Princess Fluffernutter? It's a free pass. Everyone wants to talk to the tiny dog. Suddenly, I’m making friends with grandmas in the park, kids on trains, and fellow dog-obsessives in coffee shops. It makes travel less lonely, less scary, in a way. And that, honestly, is a huge win. Plus, the sheer joy she gets out of, say, rolling in a patch of Italian grass... it’s infectious. Pure, unadulterated joy. And after a day from hell, that matters.
4. Airport security. Don't tell me...
Oh, it is. It is a *nightmare*. First, you have to get her in the carrier. Then there's the x-ray, the pat-down. And don't even *think* about trying to sneak treats. She can smell a cheese stick a mile away. And when they start the pat down? She believes she is being personally threatened! I've had to apologize to many security personnel because Princess Fluffernutter tries to bite them.
That time in Paris? Security was *not* amused. Honestly, I wouldn't blame them. She went full-on chihuahua diva, yapping at the top of her lungs because they wouldn't let her wear her tiny beret through the scanner. I wanted to disappear. And the looks… It was a mess. A fluffy, tiny mess.
5. Any travel tips for fellow chihuahua travelers?
Okay, here's the brutally honest truth: If you're not a little bit crazy, don't do it. Seriously. But if you ARE?
- **Pack triple the treats.** Seriously. You'll need them. For bribery. For distraction. For survival.
- **Invest in good earplugs.** For yourself. And consider noise-canceling headphones.
- **Pick hotels that are dog-friendly.** And maybe have a good insurance.
- **Learn to laugh.** You WILL need to. At yourself. At the dog. At the sheer absurdity of it all.
And for the love of all that is holy, prepare for the commentary on your life choices. You've been warned.
6. Seriously though, does Princess Fluffernutter *ever* shut up?
Sometimes. When she's asleep. That's it. And even then, she'll occasionally start dreaming about squirrels and start making little noises. I'm not sure I'd trade it for anything though.
7. What does Princess Fluffernutter eat?
This is where things get complicated. Princess Fluffernutter is a "haute cuisine" dog. She prefers her kibble mixed with a dollop of organic, free-range yogurt. Dinner generally has a side of grilled salmon or, if it's a special occasion (like, say, Tuesday), a tiny piece of brie. We've had a few arguments about this. She is very, very particular.
8. How does she act with other dogs?
It depends. Bigger dogs? She acts like the world's toughest, bravest warrior ("Come at me, bro!"). Smaller dogs? She's usually fine, unless they dare to look at her side-eye. She's got a whole hierarchy thing going on in her head, it seems.
